Misty’s Words of Wisdom Rule #3: If You Say Quadding Instead of Four Wheeling or ATVing Then You Are a Waste of Space
First I would like to say I’m not quote sure why I call these rules as they aren’t rules as much as they are statements. A real rule in this situation would be “don’t call four wheeling quadding” end of story. However I do what I want so deal with it.
I have grown up in Maine my entire life. Before I move to Portland I was in western Maine. Albeit not The County it was still a very small country area. I grew up learning how to shoot a gun and raft the river. I actually grew up at a rafting company and worked there for seven summers before deciding to try something new this summer. I lived in a tent (yes a tent) the summer before last and the summer before that and there are some country ways I am set in.
One of them includes four wheeling or if you want to get fancy or work in the tourism industry, ATVing. If you don’t know what four wheeling is let me take a moment to enlighten you. Four wheeling is the act of taking an All Terrain Vehicle with four wheels (no shit!) Out into the woods and ripping the shit out of them. And by ripping the shit out of them I mean going fast and hard (like your mom.) There are marked trails you should stay on but us Maniacs tend to go where we want. And the best four wheeling involves a lot of mud everywhere.
Now for some reason it is “trendy” for you all rich city folks to come to places where I grew up for vacation to take part in “outdoorsy” activities. Usually you just get drunk and complain about a lack of cell phone service because you don’t know how to appreciate the great things in life like a beautiful rushing river and a lack of having society nag at you via text messages. I let that go though and am happy to take you rafting or ATVing. Besides you’re paying up so whatever.
I do hate it though when you decide to give your new found hobby some fancy rich boy name. Quadding. All I have to say to this is, “no.” Yes I know quad means four. I may be from the country but I’m not fucking stupid. And since quad means four the word quadding isn’t all that different from four wheeling, except it is. It is as different as getting your coffee from Starbucks instead of making it in your home (fuck Starbucks. I do the later.) It is as different as going “green” because its super cute and trendy and you are, like, helping the environment, you know? Instead of going green because you know that global warming is an actual problem which is going to cause some major issues for us later on, and already has made some giant issues in our present time. It is as different as being from the city and growing up in the country. So please just don’t use the word. Especially in front of us because the minute we hear you say quadding we are going to know you are from the city and you may not realize this but that means we automatically know you are naïve about the country (even if you don’t think you are) and so we are going to fuck with you. Hard. From behind.
Perhaps I’m being a bit harsh and I don’t want you to think I don’t like people from the city. Working in the tourist industry I’ve met hundreds if not thousands of really awesome city folks and even have a few as best friends. Hell I’m moving to the city in September but there are just some things that drive me crazy. Quadding is one of them. Don’t even get me started on the extreme need all out of staters, especially from the city, have to see a moose. They smell guys. Bad. Like when your dog let’s out that fart that clears a room and everyone blames it on you. (We know it was you.) That mixed with a huge ol’ bucket of stuff from the sewer. The smell of a moose, its just not good.
My day doesn’t officially start until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee, or more like 6. Without caffeine, preferably in coffee form, in my system I just don’t function right. I’m a slow, sluggish, have difficulty processing ideas, and am basically a down right bitch. So when I woke up at my best friends house and realized she had a Keurig my initial reaction was, “what the fuck?!?!”
Now before you start calling me an ungrateful house guest and selfish you should realize I’ve known this girl since we were three. She knows me well, knows my caffeine need, and loves me even though I complain about her coffee making ways. Actually she just laughs and ignores me, which is probably the best way to deal with me. Also everything I said to her I said jokingly. Maybe its a pain to make four single cups of coffee at a time but its still caffeine so I’ll take it.
Anyway I took this opportunity to ask her just what it is about Keurig that is so appealing because when I worked at Sears those things were flying off the shelf. She told me you can make coffee and tea in it! I told her I make tea in my regular coffee maker and most stores sell tea bags so its not that impressive. She told me you can make different flavors and different strengths. I can do that in my old school coffee maker too. Then she told me some people like to have only one cup of coffee.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!! One cup of coffee?! Who drinks one cup of coffee? That is like one beer or one cookie or only a scoop of ice cream. Does anyone actually do any of those things? I can drink ten cups of coffee, and that is just in the morning so we aren’t even counting the coffee I drink when I get back from work. Of course I use a large 3 cup mug so I can drink three of those and it only looks like I drank 3 cups of coffee when in reality I’ve drunk nine. And if you don’t drink all of the coffee you brewed you can always put it in the fridge and then later that afternoon when you are in the middle of a heat wave and the entire state of Maine is 105 degrees, you can make yourself an ice coffee. Bam two birds one stone. Nice cool icy drink and a caffeine boost. There is nothing wrong with a pot of coffee. One cup is where the problem is at.
Of course when I relayed all of this to my friend she looked at me like I was crazy. She is also a nurse so I’m quite sure she also argued with herself about whether putting me in a 12 step coffee addiction program was a good idea or not. Instead she just shook her head at me, sighed, and walked away which was probably her best move. Well played my friend, well played.
So last night I sold tickets to a man wearing a black tank top with hot pink words that said “YOU DONT PARTY!”, shorts with monopoly money print, and carrying a fish in a plastic bag of water like they give you at the pet store. Now my first question was “where do you find shorts with Monopoly money printed on them and how come they don’t have those little silver pieces too?”
Clearly my priorities are not in order otherwise I would have asked “why is this guy bringing a fish to a baseball game?” I loved it when he had to hand the fish to another person to hold while he got his money out of his pocket. I am not sure what this fish’s name is but it is going to be Henry.
After Henry and Monopoly Man went into the stadium I started to wonder about Henry. Did Monopoly Man just buy Henry and not have time to take him home so he brought him to the game? If so poor Henry now has a sad view of what his life is going to be like. I’m sorry to break it to you but being a fish isn’t all about baseball games and beer. If you are lucky though your tank will be in the living room where you can see the tv and catch a Sox game now and then between the frequent visitors stopping in to pick up cocaine from Monopoly Man.
Or has Henry been with Monopoly Man for awhile now and go everywhere he goes? What could Henry have seen besides a minor league baseball game? Surely by the looks of Monopoly Man he has seen a crack house, McDonalds, and WalMart but where else? Has he gone on a cross country trip? Has he seen the empire state building, the Grand Canyon, and the countries Largest Tea Pot?
And tha was when I realized I was worrying way too much about Henry and his past life when I really should just be happy he is getting to see a game at all. Which was also the time when I realized I truly am ape shit crazy.
this is my rendition of Henry the Traveling Fish. He’s pretty content in his bag, exploring the world thru the haze of plastic.
Disclaimer: I don’t want you to be confused by the title. My vagina does NOT walk on it’s own. I accompany it everywhere it goes like a good mother that I am.
Disclaimer Number 2: I don’t usually refer to my vagina as a child. I have no idea why I did that in the first disclaimer.
Some things are just learned by living through them. For example today I learned that you should probably never wear khaki pants without underwear. Sometimes when you wear khakis without underwear and you walk a mile to the local grocery store in the bright summer sun you think “this is such a nice day to walk and get groceries!” Then after you get your greek yogurt and check out you realize there is a torrential down pour going on outside and you have no idea where it came from.
Being who you are you say “fuck it, I’ll walk back anyway.” Then half way home you realize you are drenched and you are giving the entire city of Portland your own version of a wet t-shirt contest but you’ve replaced the t-shirt with pants and the breasts with your baby cave.
I had been calling it the Wet Vagina Contest but the I realized that sounded like some sort of yearly awards show they would do in Hustler and my bare all moment wasn’t quite so graphic. I do whoever think I scared the guy standing on his front porch watching me walk by when I yelled “I just wanted some greek fucking yogurt!!” While the lightening was flashing around me and buckets of water were being dumped down my face. Sorry to you Mr. Porch Man. Let’s just hope that my mistakes can be a warning for the rest of you. Don’t war khakis without underwear. Or you can ignore my advice. I’m probably going to.
With an upcoming bridal shower, bachelorette party, and wedding to attend I of course have been in the need of a few greeting cards. I have found that there aren’t any good ones. None at all. So I have decided that I should start my own line of cards. I would call them Truth Cards. In keeping with my own life’s upcoming events I will share some wedding theme ideas with you today. Below you will find a list of different card sayings for bridal showers, bachelorette parties, and weddings. Maybe if I had some fancy software, or even knew how to use paint, I would make examples with cute pictures for you. I don’t have any fancy software and I am fucking lazy. Also I am at work and so that would be weird. Anyway. The list:
“You got the man, the rock, and get to throw a large ass party. You’re a lucky bitch.”
“You got the man, the rock, and get to throw a large ass party. Hope you’re ready to start your new life broke.”
“Congratulations! When you two buy a house make sure your name is on the deed. Statistically 50% of marriages don’t work so at least when he takes you to the bank in 5 years you’ll have a place to live.”
“Congratulation! Sorry I am going to be the girl at your wedding downing champagne and hitting on your brother/father/uncle, or all three.”
“Congratulation! Sorry I couldn’t make the wedding. I had tickets to a Red Sox game.”
“It’s your bachelorette party!! Sleep with one, or three, more men while you have the chance. That one penis is going to get old.”
“Congratulations!! If you’re going through a divorce in 5 years I’ll hold your hand and buy you shots of tequila!”
“You’re getting married, lets get drunk and make fools of ourselves!!”
“While you’re cleaning house and making babies, I’ll be drinking margaritas, doing illegal things, and loving life. Good luck!”
“Congratulations on your marriage and pussy whipping that man into shape! You go girl!”
“Way to succumb to societal pressures. I’m picturing kids in 2 years.”
“Remember when we used to get drunk and screw random men. You can’t do that anymore.”
“Congratulations to my best friend on a marriage to a man I’ve never met!”
“Happy wedding day, you looks smashing!!”
For the record I am not actually anti-marriage. Well I am for myself but that is because I have a commitment phobia and I like being able to do what I want, when I want, no questions asked. I am very happy for my friend though and wish her the best of luck and ended up buying her a boring cheesy generic card about her future being “showered with love and happiness.” Though I did add my own personal message about partying like rock stars. However Truth Cards are fun and if they existed I would have bought one cheesy boring make-you-want-to-throw-up card and one Truth Card. That way you get the best of both worlds. Or the best of one and the worst of another. Depends on how you look at it. You use your own judgment to decide which one is the better world but we all know I kick people in the cunt and teeth for lying. I’m sure you know where I stand.
I know I know I suck. I’ve completely been slacking at this lately and I still don’t have anything good to talk about. Instead I’ve been thinking about things like LOLcats and how they aren’t very funny. Actually they are really fucking creepy. And now that cellphone company is advertising it’s phones (though it must not be doing very good at it because I can’t remember which company it is or what kind of phone it is) and trying to get everyone to put MORE cats into the world. Why would they do that? No one wants creepy cats. Besides they are probably rapid and will chew your legs and arms off. What good is that? I’ll tell you… it isn’t. It isn’t good at all so I am boycotting this cell phone company and their new phone. Even though I kind of need a new phone but I like my company. Besides I don’t even know what company this is. I’ve also been thinking about M&Ms. They split up. Did you know that? Apparently. I don’t think it is really that sad though. I mean that red one was a real douche bag. Especially to the yellow one who was only ever being a good friend even if he isn’t the smartest M&M in the bag. Also how come only one of them is a girl? And why is she such a slutt? Or is she like the rest of the M&Ms pimp? She should look into that line of work. She might make better money than she does fluttering her eyelashes. Whatever. And so because I can think of nothing better to talk about I am going to leave you with a bunch of drunk quotes from my friends and I. Partly because they are fun but mostly because I am not feeling creative enough to come up with anything witty to talk about. So here you are (or aren’t. Whatever.)
Peter: (about gin) it tastes like the water in the bottom of a christmas tree!
Misty: (also about gin) when I burped it smelled like one of those tree shaped air freshener.
Misty: you just spit and snotted in my drink!
Claire: You really should take it on a date first!
Claire: if I had a penis I would call it the denominator because so many girls would have it in common.
Alice: because its great!
Misty: I bet she was a whore before she got married.
Claire: yeah she was like “it’s research” and I was like “nooo, you’re just a whore!”
Alice: what is a good way to make fast money?
Alice: but how would I do that on campus? If I stood on the corner everyone would think I was just a girl standing on the corner.
Claire: once upon a time I caught jaws.
Alice: and he broke out of my fishing net.
Misty: and ate a little boy!
Alice and Claire: awwww!
Misty: what?!?! It’s Jaws! He does shit like that.
Alice: speaking of cats I was going to spray paint my Grandma’s cat.
Misty: What color?
Misty: how long ago was this?
Alice: oh just like two months ago…
Bailey: I saw your crack dealing cousin in walmart.
Draden: how is she?
Bailey: No Kendra.
Draden: how is she?
Bailey: not Emily, Kendra.
Draden: HOW IS SHE?!?!
Draden; I’m like fuck you coppers! I’m not better than you!
Okay I’m done for now. I’ll leave the others for the next time I have nothing to write about. Also this whole post is useless and if you waste the time reading well… You probably need a life. Oh yeah and GO BRUINS!!!
Misty’s Words of Wisdom Rule #2: Every Girl Needs a Friend Who Will Sit on the Bathroom Counter While You Piss on a Stick
Who hasn’t been there? If you are a girl you know what I am talking about. You’ve been dating a guy for a little bit or you had a one night stand a few weeks ago and you didn’t make the best choice you should have, or you did but it didn’t work quite the way it was supposed to, or it did but you are still freaked out. Because lately you haven’t felt well, especially in the morning, and you can’t remember “was a supposed to start my period last weekend or this weekend? Or maybe it was next week?” And as soon as you start trying to figure it out you know you never will because you are to stressed out to think straight.
So you decide you might as well buy a pregnancy test because at least that will give you a little piece of mind, or not. Depending on the color or symbol that’s shows up be it one way or the other depending on what you are hoping for. And when you have that pregnancy test in hand every girl has at least one friend (if your lucky you have more) they call. One friend that you know will be there with you not judging no matter what.
This friend will tell you that you are probably crazy. She will tell you that you just aren’t counting your days right. She will tell you there is no way you could be pregnant. Or that even if you do end up being pregnant it is okay that you drank half the bar last week because you didn’t know then and she knows you would never knowingly do that. So she will go into the bathroom with you and sit on the counter and tell you al of these things when you pee on that stick. And doesn’t it seem tiny? I mean you are so nervous you are shaking, how can you possibly hit the stick? You’re just going to get pee all over your hands and pant leg and this whole experience is really starting to suck even more because now you are so nervous you want to vomit and you have pissed all over yourself. While this is happening your friend will either be comforting you or laughing at you (in a kind way) or a little bit of both.
Then you’ve finally accomplished what seemed impossible, you got the piss on that stick! But now you have to wait to look at the fucking thing. You know you can’t do it but your friend can and she will and she does. Because she loves you. Why else would she be sitting on a counter in the bathroom hanging out with a nervous wreck of a girl who peed all over herself? And your loving friend does it. She looks at your syupid test for you and the majority of times she tells you its negative. Except when its not. Then she tells you its positive, gives you a hug, and holds you while you cry.
Everyone needs a sit on the counter friend because this friend is the one that will never judge you, even if she doesn’t agree with your opinions. She is the one who will stay with you even when you look ridiculous and are covered in pee. And most of all she is the one who knows when you need someone and she will hold you, even though you will never admit to having cried about something anyway. So if you don’t have a sit on the counter friend you better hurry up and find one. They are one of the most special people you will have in your life. I’m lucky enough to have a handful.