Misty’s Words of Wisdom Rule #3: If You Say Quadding Instead of Four Wheeling or ATVing Then You Are a Waste of Space
First I would like to say I’m not quote sure why I call these rules as they aren’t rules as much as they are statements. A real rule in this situation would be “don’t call four wheeling quadding” end of story. However I do what I want so deal with it.
I have grown up in Maine my entire life. Before I move to Portland I was in western Maine. Albeit not The County it was still a very small country area. I grew up learning how to shoot a gun and raft the river. I actually grew up at a rafting company and worked there for seven summers before deciding to try something new this summer. I lived in a tent (yes a tent) the summer before last and the summer before that and there are some country ways I am set in.
One of them includes four wheeling or if you want to get fancy or work in the tourism industry, ATVing. If you don’t know what four wheeling is let me take a moment to enlighten you. Four wheeling is the act of taking an All Terrain Vehicle with four wheels (no shit!) Out into the woods and ripping the shit out of them. And by ripping the shit out of them I mean going fast and hard (like your mom.) There are marked trails you should stay on but us Maniacs tend to go where we want. And the best four wheeling involves a lot of mud everywhere.
Now for some reason it is “trendy” for you all rich city folks to come to places where I grew up for vacation to take part in “outdoorsy” activities. Usually you just get drunk and complain about a lack of cell phone service because you don’t know how to appreciate the great things in life like a beautiful rushing river and a lack of having society nag at you via text messages. I let that go though and am happy to take you rafting or ATVing. Besides you’re paying up so whatever.
I do hate it though when you decide to give your new found hobby some fancy rich boy name. Quadding. All I have to say to this is, “no.” Yes I know quad means four. I may be from the country but I’m not fucking stupid. And since quad means four the word quadding isn’t all that different from four wheeling, except it is. It is as different as getting your coffee from Starbucks instead of making it in your home (fuck Starbucks. I do the later.) It is as different as going “green” because its super cute and trendy and you are, like, helping the environment, you know? Instead of going green because you know that global warming is an actual problem which is going to cause some major issues for us later on, and already has made some giant issues in our present time. It is as different as being from the city and growing up in the country. So please just don’t use the word. Especially in front of us because the minute we hear you say quadding we are going to know you are from the city and you may not realize this but that means we automatically know you are naïve about the country (even if you don’t think you are) and so we are going to fuck with you. Hard. From behind.
Perhaps I’m being a bit harsh and I don’t want you to think I don’t like people from the city. Working in the tourist industry I’ve met hundreds if not thousands of really awesome city folks and even have a few as best friends. Hell I’m moving to the city in September but there are just some things that drive me crazy. Quadding is one of them. Don’t even get me started on the extreme need all out of staters, especially from the city, have to see a moose. They smell guys. Bad. Like when your dog let’s out that fart that clears a room and everyone blames it on you. (We know it was you.) That mixed with a huge ol’ bucket of stuff from the sewer. The smell of a moose, its just not good.
Misty’s Words of Wisdom Rule #2: Every Girl Needs a Friend Who Will Sit on the Bathroom Counter While You Piss on a Stick
Who hasn’t been there? If you are a girl you know what I am talking about. You’ve been dating a guy for a little bit or you had a one night stand a few weeks ago and you didn’t make the best choice you should have, or you did but it didn’t work quite the way it was supposed to, or it did but you are still freaked out. Because lately you haven’t felt well, especially in the morning, and you can’t remember “was a supposed to start my period last weekend or this weekend? Or maybe it was next week?” And as soon as you start trying to figure it out you know you never will because you are to stressed out to think straight.
So you decide you might as well buy a pregnancy test because at least that will give you a little piece of mind, or not. Depending on the color or symbol that’s shows up be it one way or the other depending on what you are hoping for. And when you have that pregnancy test in hand every girl has at least one friend (if your lucky you have more) they call. One friend that you know will be there with you not judging no matter what.
This friend will tell you that you are probably crazy. She will tell you that you just aren’t counting your days right. She will tell you there is no way you could be pregnant. Or that even if you do end up being pregnant it is okay that you drank half the bar last week because you didn’t know then and she knows you would never knowingly do that. So she will go into the bathroom with you and sit on the counter and tell you al of these things when you pee on that stick. And doesn’t it seem tiny? I mean you are so nervous you are shaking, how can you possibly hit the stick? You’re just going to get pee all over your hands and pant leg and this whole experience is really starting to suck even more because now you are so nervous you want to vomit and you have pissed all over yourself. While this is happening your friend will either be comforting you or laughing at you (in a kind way) or a little bit of both.
Then you’ve finally accomplished what seemed impossible, you got the piss on that stick! But now you have to wait to look at the fucking thing. You know you can’t do it but your friend can and she will and she does. Because she loves you. Why else would she be sitting on a counter in the bathroom hanging out with a nervous wreck of a girl who peed all over herself? And your loving friend does it. She looks at your syupid test for you and the majority of times she tells you its negative. Except when its not. Then she tells you its positive, gives you a hug, and holds you while you cry.
Everyone needs a sit on the counter friend because this friend is the one that will never judge you, even if she doesn’t agree with your opinions. She is the one who will stay with you even when you look ridiculous and are covered in pee. And most of all she is the one who knows when you need someone and she will hold you, even though you will never admit to having cried about something anyway. So if you don’t have a sit on the counter friend you better hurry up and find one. They are one of the most special people you will have in your life. I’m lucky enough to have a handful.
Misty’s Words of Wisdom Rule #1: Liars Should be Kicked in the Teeth and the Cunt
The one thing I hate most in the world is a liar. There is no need for that shit. if you are cheating on me, tell me straight up. If you think I look fat in this dress, tell me straight up. I may get mad, I’m not making guarantees that I won’t because I’m human and my feelings get hurt too, but I would rather know the truth than be running around like a fool. I don’t lie so I don’t expect to be lied too. Actually I’ve been told that I am too honest, I hurt people’s feelings, and I need to learn crass. I say “well its true soooo fuck you.”
The only time lying is okay is when you are making up stories that won’t harm someone just for fun but really only if they are so ridiculous no one would believe you anyway. Not a made up story you think is fun like “my grandma died yesterday” because you want attention or one like “santa clause is real” because kids actually believe that shit. (Also Santa is fucking scary!) Those are absolutely not okay. But a story like “last night I was driving home and I totally saw a baby jogging down the street!” Because who is going to believe that? If you believe it than you deserve to be lied too (okay maybe not.)
Of course you could say that this is all a bit hypocritical, a lie is a lie. In which case I will say to you, “whatever bitch.” You don’t have to agree with anything I say. That is the beauty of independent think. I am just here to say that I am not going to lie to you so kindly refrain from lying to me. Oh and did I tell you about the blue moose I saw drinking out of the pond in the park the other day? I can’t believe I forgot to tell you that story!