Oh Balls!


When we are young we all learn words and phrases our parents don’t want us to know. Like “fuck my couch” and “he’s a fucking ass camel.” Of course my sweet, tiny, Christian mother was a bit less colorful than I am.

I remember my father constantly using the word “balls.” Being young, I would say 3 but I am completely making that age up I just know it was before six, I thought he meant the kind of balls you play with. Children play with, not hookers, though clearly my father was thinking the later. Actually every time I heard him use the phrase I thought of one of those awesome playthings filled with all those plastic balls. Which looking back on now really isn’t all that cool. Why don’t they fill that shit with chocolate? Or coffee ice cream? Then it would be cool. Anyway one day I did something, now I can’t remember what it was, but it made me exclaim “balls!” quite loudly. At which point I was reprimanded by my mother. I didn’t understand then why it was a “bad” word. Why we weren’t allowed to talk about them, why it wasn’t a lady like phrase (though you’ll learn the lady like was squashed out of me a long time ago and as far as I am concerned it isn’t sadly missed.) At that time when I was thinking of a play place full of toys I couldn’t help but wonder what is the problem with balls?

I can tell you the answer now. Everything. Everything is the matter with balls and if you have a fascination with them then you’re fucking stupid. They’re ugly, hairy, and gross. Stop bouncing them of my fucking forehead asshole. And while you’re at it trim that shit up.

People think parading their balls around is ok. I blame Play Girl. They’re always prancing balls around like they’re this thing women find irresistible. And Levi Johnston, though I don’t really have much of a reason for that except he is annoying and I blame a quarter of the world’s problems on him and his baby mama’s family. Anyway balls are not something women find irresistible. Actually they are rather repulsive and we only put up with them because we have to.

Yeah yeah I am sure there are some women out there that claim to like balls. I would say that 65% of them are lying. The other 35% are just fucking weird. (This statistic is completely made up.) There are strange ducks in every group, why wouldn’t there be in this one?

Edit: I started this post a few days ago and never finished. When I found it today I decided to go with it because I couldn’t think of anything else to write about because I suck but I felt like writing because I’m all insomnia ridden. So this is my formal (yeah fucking right) apology for rambling on and on and on about balls. And for rambling about rambling. And for none of this making sense and the plethora of shitty sentences. Don’t you love the word plethora? I do!! Jesus. You would think I was drunk. Which I am not, which is also kind of strange. Yeah. So that’s that.


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